Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Depression and SAD

It's hard for me to admit to myself that I have been depressed.  However, looking back on the past three weeks, the results are that:  1)  I haven't posted at all.  2)  I haven't made any new art.  3)  I've barely kept up with my online correspondence.  4)  People in my day-to-day life are starting to comment.

It was number 4 that shook me out of my apathy, and made me realize that, hey, maybe something is going on.  Which sucks on a number of levels.  It means I was so depressed, that other people around me actually noticed (and then felt the need to comment) and that I'm not always doing as well as I thought I would be just because I'm medicated.  It also means that I'm probably experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or I'm just not taking as much care of myself as I should be, given that I'm prone to seasonal mood changes already.

I mentioned in one other post before that I am bipolar.  I used to hate admitting to anyone that I had been diagnosed, because I was in denial that it was true.  Now, I've been taking meds for about two and a half years, and I know that I'm so much better off this way, so it doesn't bother me to talk about it anymore.  Unfortunately, I still get depressed a lot more often than most people, and this is one example.  Whether I have SAD (because it's been raining and overcast for weeks) or I'm just experiencing one more of the lows that bipolar offers up when the seasons change (because my meds don't allow me to feel the extreme highs anymore, which is actually a good thing) I'm not sure.  I also read recently that there is a link between carbohydrates and SAD, in which people experiencing SAD crave carbs more because they boost seratonin levels in the brain, helping these people to feel better.  And I've been on a low-carb diet, because I'm going to be the Maid of Honor in my sister's wedding in September, and I'm trying to lose weight.  Wonderful.

I know logically that I will snap out of this as soon as the weather clears and it becomes more obvious that Spring is on the way, but in the meantime I feel like there's a dementor (from the Harry Potter books)  hovering around me constantly and sucking all the happiness out of me.  And because I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, right now it feels like I might never feel that way again.

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